Last time, we left disgraced former governor, Eliot Spitzer, in a huge panic. After a crazy night’s party (also known as the last decade), he was stuck with the consequences of women’s empowerment, a dead hooker. Coming to terms with the numerical reality that the decade was not yet over, the disgraced former governor struggles to deal with one last lingering problem. How is he ever going to get rid of this dead hooker? Where’s Lou Reed when you need him. Oh, with a quick search, here he is. Jump to a conversation over resolving this troubling little street hassle:
- LOU: Hey, that *&^’s not breathing. I think she’s had too much of something or other, hey, man, you know what I mean?
- ELIOT: You know, like we know that already.
- LOU: I don’t mean to scare you, but you’re the one who came here, and you’re the one who’s gotta take her when you leave
- ELIOT: You know, you of all people to be giving a lecture on personal responsibility!
- LOU: I’m not being smart, or trying to be cold on my part, and I’m not gonna wear my heart on my sleeve. But you know people get all emotional, and sometimes, man, they just don’t act rational you know, they think they’re just on TV.
- ELIOT: You’re not helping!
- LOU: Sha-la-la-la, man. Why don’t you just slip her away.
- ELIOT: You know, there’s still the body and all.
- LOU: You know, I’m glad that we met man. It really was nice talking, and I really wish that there was a little more time to speak, but you know it could be a hassle trying to explain this all to a police officer about how it was that your old lady got herself stiffed.
- ELIOT: Yeah, that’s the problem. What the hell do I do??!!
- LOU: And it’s not like we could help, but there wasn’t nothing no one could do and if there was, man, you know I would have been the first. But when someone turns that blue, well, it’s a universal truth and then you just know that bitch will never &^% again.
- ELIOT: Yeah, you got a heart of gold. If you weren’t Jewish, you’d be a saint!
- LOU: By the way, that’s really some bad shit that you came to our place with, but you ought to be more careful around the little girls. It’s either the best or it’s the worst and since I don’t have to choose, I guess I won’t, and I know this ain’t no way to treat a guest…
- ELIOT: Enough already!! What do I do! What do I do!!!!
- LOU:…but why don’t you grab your old lady by the feet, and just lay her out in the darkest street, and by morning, she’s just another hit and run.
- ELIOT: Yeah, that’s it. That’ll put that decade behind us all. Not even Bernanke nor Paulson would come up with something like that.
- LOU: You know, some people got no choice, and they can never find a voice, to talk with that they can even call their own. So the first thing that they see, that allows them the right to be, why they follow it, you know, it’s called bad luck.
- ELIOT: You know, that’s right. It was all bad luck. It was not my fault. It was just a business transaction, I just contracted for one thing and all this other stuff with God knows what the hell she was on was not bargained for. It’s not my fault. I just wanted to have a good time, that‘s all. It’s not like I’m going around like Sanford or something. I mean, I still love my wife, and all…it’s just that,…well,…you know,…she just won’t,…..and I still want to,…you know…,and,…and I know people look up to me and I’m mindful of that because I’m special. What’s the point of being privileged if you can’t exercise a little privilege? I’m just like everyone else wanting and chasing the American dream,…you know, like buying a house and all. As one of their leaders, all we did was make it possible,…we never said that they could keep it…but, they’re free to chase it. Take this hooker,…it’s really sad and all, but she had a choice, and went into all this willingly. Just like that couple selling houses, a pimp brokered the deal…I mean,…this is America, after all and people have the right to make a living. It’s the American dream and we all have a right to participate in it, to make a living, or at least to try to and that’s just too big to fail. Just like me. I’m too big to fail. For someone like me, it’s not just personal. For goddsakes, I am an important public figure. So much is riding on me. Those that are too small to save need to see me on top of the mountain so they can keep striving for the American dream. Me being up here shows them that it’s all possible so they can keep striving, keep paying taxes, and keep me up here. All this stuff with the dead hooker, it wasn’t my fault so it shouldn’t be allowed to take me down. Whether or not she was actually hit by a car or the American dream is just a matter of perspective. Yeah that’s it. Give me privilege. Flash. Give me confidence. Flash. Give me my life back.
[Hat tip to those who called out the Chuck Palahniuk Invisible Monsters gag and were amused]